Randoms…

Hi, this post you’re about to read was written a while back when I was going through a rough patch in my life and I’m glad to say, I’m out of it as a better person. Even though I might have to go through such again, at least I know I’ll make it through no matter what. I initially decided not to post it, cos it really contains personal stuff and it’s not the typical post that should come up here, but then…

So, I decided to post it for two reasons.

      I really hope this post serves as a source of encouragement to at least one person, life is hard enough and we all need some form of encouragement.

      Secondly, I discovered that if you really open your heart and not stay stereotyped about certain things, God can speak to you through any means available. I say this carefully because this shouldn’t be taken as a license to expose ourselves to harmful stuff, *if you know what I mean*…
There’s this artist (Krystal Meyers) on my playlist that I hardly listen to, she’s gospel quite alright but she sounds very different form the typical gospel as we know it, she sounds a lot like the secular pop/techno sound that’s all over the music scene now. So, I never really paid her album much attention. But on this particular day, this album made me break down and cry, this fast paced, pop, Avril-kinda-rock-sound made me cry. I recently checked out the review of Krystal Meyers’ ‘make some noise’ album online and believe me, there were lots of negative reviews, although there were few positive reviews as well. But this album strengthened me. Well lemme just say being stereotyped is safe quite all right, but then, it makes you miss out on a lot, and I mean aloooooot. And yeah, don’t think too far, I’m directing this to all one-sided, narrow-minded, I-am-the-standard, people out there that think that because they like a certain pattern of things, every other way is sinful, unrighteous or whatever…this scripture, “there is a way that seems right to a man, but the end thereof is destruction”  is also applicable to you.. yeah it is.

So before I start going off point, this is the write up below:

I can’t really say watz happening this day, very unusual I tell you. I can’t even settle for the songs to listen to as I work which is veryyyyyy unusual for me, I kinda have this collection of songs  that I could pick from to fit into any  mood I’m in, no matter what. But today, I just can’t seem to settle on a song.

When I finally settled for Krystal Meyers ‘make some noise’ album, I knew there was a big problem somewhere.  You see, there’s nothing wrong with her, she’s a great artist and I love her lyrics (simple and on-point). She’s the pop-high-school-Avril-kind-of rock artist. But when I have that stay-away-from-me-world feeling, I’d rather go for something more solemn and abstract, wired at worst. So it was kind of strange when I settled for Krystal Meyers!

Now that I think about it, I think I choose it because I remembered a line in one of her songs. Which goes:

 

You’re so sure no one knows what you’re going through

I know exactly how you feel cos I see myself in you..

 

Yeah, I think that’s what got me, so I listened to that particular track cos I just needed someone to be there for me. And Miss. Meyers did just fine at that point in time, so I progressed from one track to another and lemme say, I felt better after a while.

Okay, if this post isn’t making any sense to you, I think you should just stop reading cos it’s about to get weirder..

So my day started out okay, not great but okay none the less. I was even working on some kinda financial project later that evening, and then after a series of conversations with certain people (verbally and virtually), I just got dissatisfied. With what I can’t really say..or maybe I can but facing it really hurt me. As I type, it hurts but if this is some kind of exorcism, I think I better get to it.

I got dissatisfied with my life. I was sitting there with an e-book taking notes on a book on financial intelligence and I looked at my life and it just wasn’t it. I’m freaking tired of selfish people that call themselves friends, people that only stick around cos of what they can get from you, people that only remember to say hi when they need a favor from you. I’m not a toy or anybody’s play thing and you can’t just keep taking from me and expect to come back for more, I’m human, for crying out loud..please do well to remember that. I’m not a stand by generator.

 I also got dissatisfied with the fact that I had to struggle for a lot of things in life when others just got them on a platter of gold. I didn’t have to go through certain things, it just wasn’t fair. I know the struggle made me stronger and all..and I’m grateful but the strength is wearing me out, it really is. I freaking act way older than my age! I just want to be my age and do stuff my age-mates do even if it’s for day or week…whichever.

I just wonder why some people pretend as if they care and would be there for you, but when you need them most is when they go off the radar, only to reappear when the ‘problem’ is fixed, just get the hell out of my life…I don’t need that kind of baggage in my life at this point in time.

Of course I won’t say all this to anybody, and to the people it may concern maybe because when it comes to expressing my emotions I’m a coward. Yeah a coward, the whole expressing emotions thingy..just doesn’t work for me. It’s not easy for me to say how I feel about someone or an incident. It’s just not easy. At least I tried it a couple of times but experience is a brutal teacher, and no, I’m not willing to try again. And I don’t need no psychologist to fix me. Period.

For now, I don’t want to have it all together,  I don’t want to smile through it all and I don’t want to encourage myself, I just want to break down, however that would be, cos I don’t have ‘breakdowns’…

The painful part of it all, is that whenever I feel this way, I always cry to Daddy, but Daddy’s been kinda silent. I just can’t take the silence. I can bear a lot of things, if you know me, you’d know that’s a fact. But one of the very few things I can’t bear is the ‘silent treatment’ especially if it’s from HS. And it just kinda discouraged me, I couldn’t talk to Him, or rather, I wouldn’t talk to him. I didn’t just want to talk to Him. I don’t know why. So I gave Him the cold treatment even though He didn’t deserve it

Krystal Meyers songs had been playing all along, but a particular song just broke through the thick cloud that seemed to hover over me that night..the song “your hands” started playing and I just broke down in tears…the line that really hit home was…’it’s in your hands, I trust you though I don’t understand’

I don’t know why and how, but it just hit home…and I felt peace. I was about to put the song on repeat when I stopped to listen to the lyrics of the next song on the play list

The lyrics took the words right out of my heart:

 

                Dear God, it’s me again down here,

                Don’t wanna sound insincere,

                I’m lost, sometimes you’re so unclear,

       What can I do, I’m feeling so far from you,

       Frustrated, irritated, disconnected from it all…

 

Can’t really start writing out the lyrics but that’s exactly how I felt. And after the whole KM album, I just felt….better. maybe.

Well, that’s the morale of the write up?..nothing I guess. But I hope you did get something from that random story anyhow.

But in closing, I’ll just state something..

Have a relationship with Jesus. Simple. Not a religion, cos you would get frustrated. Believe me, I’ve had my fair share of religion and religious people, and I’m so over and done with that.

Yeah, I wrote this in my typical melancholic moodiness, by the time I prolly post it, I’d be like, “did I actually write that stuff, and do I have to post it?” but I’ll post it, at least I can’t be a coward on my blog.

And if your comment would start with phrases like “it is well sister...”  “hold on…” “what happened to your faith…”  “trails and temptations come….” Etc, (@ least you get the gist) Please with all due respect, don’t post it. The reason is very simple. By the time you get to read this, I’d be way over this whole lonely feeling and moodiness. So don’t post ‘encouraging comments’. Please post REAL comments…datz what this blog is about…tanx.

Till next time, I love you all

Keep Rolling!

Ms. Tique